The Academy Awards (or: I just fell asleep typing this)
The Oscars get worse and worse every year.
First, people complain they’re too long (and they used to be, but at least they were entertaining and interesting people and films were nominated), then the ratings are too low (probably because they’re too long), etc. This year, to try and combat the ratings slump, AMPAS decided to nominate 10 films for Best Picture, something which hasn’t happened since the 1940s. That’s great, except has anyone noticed that as of late there haven’t BEEN very many good movies released? So we have 10 nominees, but still, those “other” movies like District 9, and whatever else was nominated, are never going to win, so why even bother? And of course they completely passed up one of, if not the best, movies I saw in 2009: Jane Campion’s Bright Star. Still, it wasn’t the nominees that made this year’s Oscars so snooze-worthy and lame, it was the complete sense of AWK-WAAAARDness that permeated throughout the entire show.
To start off with, why was Neil Patrick Harris doing a dance number at the beginning? He said we may be wondering why he was there. Well, yes, Barney, I was wondering that, and it was never explained. It was just a cheesy Busby Berkeley music routine that I think set the tone for the entire night.
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did well with the jokes and provided some much needed comic relief, but while they were poking fun at the nominees we discovered two things: they put poor Gabourey Sidibe in a side seat that was somewhat removed from everyone else, in the aisle, and I felt really bad for her. Just because she’s a big girl doesn’t mean they have to make it so obvious, poor thing. The other thing I became aware of was how douchey George Clooney was being. Dear George, you’re hot and everything, but smile once in a while, ok? You’re not above anyone else there (and you didn’t win anyway, so try having more fun next time). Why so serious?
Then they had people like Jennifer Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Miley Cyrus, and the kids from Twilight presenting. What even? I thought the Oscars were supposed to be about honoring the best, most talented contributions to cinema, not about crappy movies that happen to break the bank at the box office, or people who complain about how the Academy did them a great injustice by not nominating their movie El Cantante even though no one has ever heard of it and Jennifer Lopez isn’t very talented. You were good in Selina, J.Lo., but that’s about it. And Miley Cyrus? I don’t even know. Maybe they were doing this to try and get more teens to watch? I’m confused.
Oh, the MOST awkward part was when that guy won for short subject documentary and he was giving this nice speech, and all of the sudden this lady came out of nowhere and totally pulled a Kanye West on him and started talking about God knows what. Then she pointed out that the subject of the documentary was, in fact, in the audience, so the camera flashed to a girl in a wheelchair, probably to save that poor guy on stage from looking so embarrassed. But jeez, was I embarrassed for him.
Next up on the awkward assembly line was the interprative dance portion. Remember back in the day when they used to be really classy and have the orchestra or maybe a world renowned violinist like Itzahk Perlman play sections of the nominated scores while actual clips from the films were shown? Now we just have people doing the robot to the UP score and The Lion King is stepping in for Avatar. Whatever was happening on the tv, I just wanted it to end. Thank god it eventually did, but then it just went in to this new thing they’re doing with 5 random actors getting up on stage to gush over the people who are nominated in the lead categories. No one remembers that one movie you did together that one time. Where were the clips?
Yes, that’s what was sorely missing: relevant montages. Or just montages in general. I usually watch the Oscars for the montages because I like seeing clips from amazing films compiled together so that I an pretend to remember what it was like when great movies were in abundance and brilliant acting ruled Hollywood. Apparently the person who has done the montages in the past died, so instead of replacing him with someone of equal editing talent, we were stuck with some amateur montages that looked like something I would have done in production class in college. TCM has 5 up on you when it comes to montages, AMPAS. Why was there a random horror montage? And why did it include a clip from Twilight? Also, what’s up, In Memoriam montage? Why were you showing pictures of Jennifer Jones in the Jean Simmons portion, and why did you include Michael Jackson and not Farrah Fawcet? Also, why was there no old movie montage? Those are always the best and always, always welcome.
Things that were actually good about this year’s show: Katherine Bigelow beating James Cameron for…everything. I haven’t seen either Avatar or The Hurt Locker, but I feel like I gave James Cameron enough of my money back in 1998, and I think this is why Avatar didn’t win anything substantial, J.C. already swept the place with Titanic. I’m surprised JC didn’t bludgeon Bigelow when she won Best Director. How awkward that they were sitting right behind one another.
I’ll admit I didn’t want Sandra Bullock to win Best Actress because I’ve never liked any of her films, but her speech was the most entertaining of the bunch, and she looked the best out of all the ladies there. Way to go, Sandy.
Jeff Bridges sounds like a nice guy, although I really wanted Colin Firth to win for A Single Man. And hey! Tom Ford is AMAZING looking. He really should have given Sarah Jessica Parker some tips about hair and not spending a week on the tanning bed, yikes. You could tell who the real fashionista was in that presentation.
HUZZAH for UP!
All in all, this year’s Oscars were boring times 80. I was so glad I had a room full of funny people to say entertaining things, because the company was infinitely better than the show itself. Thanks, boys (and Cathy)!
Here’s hoping that next year there will be more good films and a better show. Eh, who am I kidding?






































